I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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