Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
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