it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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