I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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