Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
