Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
