even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
