took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
