We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
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