I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
he fucked my hip out of place.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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