My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
