My friends, they love my intelligence
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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