Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
