ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
