I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
