Please don't use social media to get back at me.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
