I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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