Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
