Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
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