i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
