Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
