Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
