Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
