My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
