I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
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