I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
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