update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
They took my balls.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
