speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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