i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
