The maid of honor just puked.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
