He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
