I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Randomize
