I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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