At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
