This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
