I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
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