I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
