i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
