it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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