You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
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