hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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