I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
