Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
oh god was she eating orange peels again
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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