I have demons in me.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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