Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Watching her eat just hurts me
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
