I am in a vortex of obligation.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
