We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
