Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
