I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
