it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
